The Path to Fulfilling and Long-Term Success in Attractive Communications (Part 2)
The Path to Fulfilling and Long-Term Success in Attractive Communications:
Why and how The Game serves as a premier vehicle for acquiring social skills, learning about and improving your emotional insecurities and thriving in life
Emotional Discovery Through Cold Approach
As mentioned, a core attribute that lies within all of these communicative skills is emotional awareness, and the game increases your emotional awareness at a rapid pace. Emotional awareness is incredibly important in relating to people, but it’s also very important for thriving in your general life. The game provides you with the ability to venture ever deeper into your sea of emotions. Through this deep emotional understanding of yourself, you become less inhibited by any insecurities or personal doubt. Essentially, the game’s accelerated socialization process exposes you to your negative thought and emotional patterns, and/or deep-seated insecurities at a high-speed rate. This exposure leads to greater personal understanding and, through a process that will be explained, allows you to increase your confidence, decisiveness and empathy, among other attributes, simultaneously.
A Pressurized Process
When you consistently go out, approach a girl, or are on a date, you’ll find yourself coming out of your comfort zone as the night (or day) goes on. A moment in the night generally arises in which you encounter an unfamiliar situation. This unfamiliarity pressures you to make social decisions “in the dark.” Generally, when we are making decisions in the dark (and there is no imminent danger), we reflexively fall into our heads so that we can think about the next best move. But in the game, when maintaining and increasing attraction between you and the girl, and simultaneously ensuring others don’t impede upon your interaction is on the line, you are forced to make immediate decisions to solidify your interaction. Moreover, you are forced to make these immediate decisions whether they are right or wrong.
This pressurized process quickly exposes you to emotional insecurities you might have. The reason this specific exposure occurs is because emotional insecurities cause you to make poor decisions and behave counterproductively in social scenarios—including in relation to women. In regards to seducing women specifically, poor decisions and counterproductive behavior evince as a failure to attract and “hook” (solidify interest from) the girl. This failure causes internal stress, and in turn creates incentive for one to address and correct the counterproductive behavior (which emanated from an insecurity) that caused this snafu.
Furthermore, if you commit yourself to consistent improvement in the game, you are constantly addressing and correcting counterproductive behaviors at an accelerated rate. By addressing your counterproductive behaviors, you are consequentially made aware of the insecurities that caused them. Indeed, within this process of correcting your wide-ranging counterproductive behaviors, you are also addressing and tending to wide-ranging emotional insecurities. This growth process of emotional discovery can in turn make you more socially free, confident, empathetic, sexually and emotionally aware and thus more attractive to women (provided that you attentively attend to your behaviors and emotions during this process).
What are some examples of being exposed to emotional insecurities while gaming?
Let’s say you’re in a club and vibing with a girl, and it seems that the girl is open to kissing you—but, you haven’t been in that situation before. You might start experiencing a sudden lack of confidence, and despite recognizing that you should in fact try to kiss her, you instead fail to act. The opportunity is missed. You didn’t act when she opened her sexuality to you—and in the high stimulus environment of the club, she has moved on to something or someone that is momentarily more interesting.
In reflecting upon that experience, you realize that you are not confident enough in your male sexuality, which, in relation to a woman, partly requires that you be decisive, take the lead and set the sexual tone. Indeed, a moment arose in which it was on you to be decisive, lead and become sexual with a woman (whose job it was to open up and receive). You froze up and did not act. In other words, this scenario and your reaction to it quickly exposed you to an insecurity of yours, which needs to be corrected in order for you to become more successful in similar scenarios down the line.
This extends into several areas of game. Perhaps it is daytime—you’ve approached a girl, sense that she likes you and is open to an extended conversation—maybe even an “instant date”. You recognize this window to ask her out, but instead of acting on that moment of attraction, you hesitate—your voice briefly cracks, or even quivers, indicating fear, and she quickly loses attraction. Indeed, the attraction is no longer sharp enough that she would go on a date with you in that moment. Instead, she gives you a flaky phone number due to an apparent inconsistency in your behavior (confidently approaching, then emotionally buckling).
You realize afterwards that you felt less than her. The very fact that she was attracted to you, and liked you, made your emotional state buckle. Moreover, this buckling and hesitancy turned her off and she lost interest. While these experiences can be relatively painful, they are nevertheless lessons to learn from. Indeed, situations like this quickly expose you to weaknesses of which you were previously unaware. Furthermore, as mentioned, if you stick to practicing cold approach pickup, and consistently put yourself in social situations that require you to engage in multi-layered communication (many forms of communication going on at once—e.g. sexual, verbal, physical), then you will consistently improve upon these behaviors. Once again, through the process of improving, you force yourself to address a number of personal insecurities that are dictating your counterproductive behaviors.
In other words, the more you put yourself in scenarios that you lack confidence in, the more likely it is for your insecurities to surface. You are then forced to face them and realize that they do you a disservice. Furthermore, due to your commitment of improvement, you learn how to properly deal with them in order to ensure greater success in future interactions.
So how else do these insecurities manifest?
Let’s say you go out to a club, are having fun and vibing well with others, though at a certain point you find yourself feeling uncomfortable. Generally, this is because you are in a situation in which you’re no longer having fun (which tends to feel like you’re out of your body and in your head); it can also be that you’re simply uncomfortable due to being in an unfamiliar situation. At this point, your insecurities begin to surface. The more this unfamiliar and/or subjectively boring (and therefore uncomfortable) situation drags on (and also evolves into additional unfamiliar situations), the more your confidence and certainty begins to wither away. Eventually, you will hit a tipping point, in which you fall totally out of your center of confidence, and into emotional uncertainty.
Essentially, when you fall into emotional uncertainty, you lose your centeredness and act more reactively to your environment and the people that you’re engaging. Furthermore, when you hit upon emotional uncertainty you dip into temporary emotional fragility. Instead of a strong, focused, emotional engagement with your environment, you start feeling a greater range of negative emotions that impact your ability to function in the given social scenario. Indeed, you are less focused, more emotionally hazy, and struggle to snap out of it. You become less sure of how to act, and essentially react to your environment more than it reacts to you.
When you’re within your center of confidence, though, it is the opposite. You are more focused, and impressing your personality and rhythm onto the environment at a noticeably high level. When you’re within emotional uncertainty, however, you start making mistakes at a greater rate than you typically do. Each mistake, furthermore, starts mattering more to you than it did in the beginning of the night. People, and the girl, will notice you are coming across as more self-conscious, and similarly, less confident.
[Note: Being exposed to emotional insecurities while gaming can also arise in a manner in which you become aggressive. In other words, you can become defensive or confrontational towards the woman or others (rather than simply emotionally capitulating or ejecting from a set). Therefore, you want to be mindful of this so that you can also correct these insecurities and behaviors. It is important to be mindful of these behaviors, not only for yourself, but also others, as you want to become a positive contributor to others’ experiences, and not a social and emotional toxin for those you engage.]
Emotional Insecurities and Fronts
So how does this happen?
Essentially, I believe you have hit upon a deep-seated, impractical emotional/thought pattern—which gives rise to an impractical behavior pattern—as it relates to your current environment. Together, these equate to an emotional insecurity. I believe that the reason emotional insecurities arise as you go deeper into the night is because at some point you hit upon a false persona, also known as a “front”, that you were unknowingly upholding. I theorize that we put up fronts in order to protect ourselves from experiencing our emotional insecurities. Emotional insecurities relate to pain that we have experienced in our past, which have somehow negatively influenced our current beliefs about ourselves, others and the nature of reality. Despite these negative influences on our perceptions, which cause us to misinterpret our reality and misread our circumstances against our own benefit, we avoid addressing and correcting them because they are painful to face.
Beyond them being painful to face internally, they are also painful to experience on the social level when they are exposed to others. Indeed, people can see when we are insecure, and if our insecurity is intense enough, it can be embarrassing to showcase. Thus, we put up fronts as a defense mechanism, in which we act happier, more confident and more certain than we actually are. This is so that people do not see how negative and uncertain we actually feel, which in turn helps protect us from the discomfort of being exposed. This may be practical for feeling comfortable inside, but it is not practical for social success or success with women.
The reason it is not practical for meeting women is because, as mentioned, women respond to a man that is emotionally open and aware, socially free and aware, and sexually awaken and intuitive. Furthermore, in relation to women and people in general, your insecurities are usually directly related to your emotions, social confidence and sexuality. Thus, your insecurities must be understood and corrected in order to be able to consistently relate to women, and people in general, at a high level.
Identifying a Front
So what does putting on a “front” look like in a social scenario?
Let’s say you’re in a club and interested in a girl across the room—the issue however is that you don’t feel worthy of her. Perhaps you’re not happy with your life, or maybe you’re just not in a great mood at the moment. While you’re not having fun or feeling good inside, you still decide to try and seduce her. More or less, your two options are to go in and be behaviorally up front with how you feel, or try and demonstrate behaviors that you know women are usually attracted to (e.g. someone having fun, feeling sexualized and being confident). You decide to go with option two.
You walk up to the girl and say hi—as you’re engaging her, you’re speaking loudly, looking her intensely in the eyes, portraying yourself to be confident, acting like you’re feeling free, pretending that you’re feeling good, and so forcing yourself to be fun around her. In other words, you’re aware of the general behaviors that generate attraction, so you attempt to demonstrate them. Sometimes, if you’re clearly being fake, the girl will “blow you out” (decline) right away. But in this case, you’re being convincing enough that she’s open to talking to you. Indeed, she’s engaging you under the assumption that you’re feeling as good and confident as you’re portraying yourself to be.
The two of you are engaging in stimulating conversation and you’re being physical too. Her interest is increasing and she’s becoming aroused. Behind all of this good news, however, is that you are not feeling relaxed or centered. You’ve been putting on a front from the start and it’s unclear if you can keep it up, especially if a shift in the interaction occurs.
You see, when shifts in interactions occur (e.g. a guy cutting in, the girl testing you to see if you remain consistent, or her friends cutting in to get to know you), it requires the ability to adjust in real time. Being able to adjust to a shift in an interaction necessitates you being grounded and relaxed so that you’re socially aware and clearheaded. This social awareness and mental clarity allows you to remain calm and non-chalant, and/or make sharp, confident statements. Social awareness and mental clarity also allow you to make solid decisions from a place of confidence. However, when you are putting all of your energy and thoughts into upholding a false persona, it makes it notably difficult to make these adjustments. This is because you are thinking (as quick as you can) about which behaviors are best to display in order to remain consistent (despite you not actually feeling how you’re acting) with your previous actions in the interaction. This can be a complicated and ever-exhausting process.
This exhausting process leads to a burnout, and despite your best efforts—your true feelings eventually display themselves. Indeed, a shift in your behavior occurs. Without a doubt, when you’re putting all your efforts into upholding a behavior pattern that is not real, you eventually break. If you break when you’re talking to the girl, her friends, or a guy that has intervened, you usually say something that indicates a lack of confidence, start displaying a vocal tonality that indicates low confidence, or your facial expressions shift from happy and fun to confrontational or defensive, hesitant, fearful, sad or angry; additionally, your eyes might shift from steady and relaxed to jumpy; furthermore, your body language might either start tensing up or drooping down. Indeed, your shift in behavior either presents itself as a drop in confidence, a rise in personal uncertainty, or a notable overcompensation, in which you either act more confrontational, or act even more confident and fun to the point that it gets cartoonish and noticeably fake.
Because this shift occurs quite suddenly, and without warning, it counters everyone’s social intuitions. In other words, the sudden shift in your behavior greatly contrasts with the robust, steady confidence you were previously displaying. It did not make sense that you were coming across so steadily confident and then broke so easily and suddenly. It therefore demonstrates to those who you are engaging that your persona was in fact a house of straw masquerading as a house of bricks. It was fake.
Generally, people tend to either get offended or sympathetic when they uncover your front. They become offended if they feel you were trying to trick them, and they get sympathetic if they sense that you feel you cannot be accepted by being yourself. Either way, they don’t want to get to know you. This is because a front either communicates that you cannot be trusted (because you tricked them) or that you are low-status (because, as mentioned, you feel you cannot be accepted by demonstrating who you really are or how you really feel). Indeed, high status individuals feel greater freedom to behave as they feel for they believe they will be accepted whether they are “on” or not. Needless to say, the woman you were trying to seduce has likely lost interest—for, at this point, the only thing she has learned about you is that you were being fake during your whole interaction with her.
[Note: Every now and then (though quite rarely), putting on a front when meeting women can be effective. However, if you want to become consistently effective with women and also feel good inside while doing it, then it requires you to figure out how to correct your counterproductive behavior patterns, address and heal your emotional insecurities and learn how to truly relate to others (which requires being yourself, how you feel and not putting up a front).]
One Possible Remedy
There is a strategy that helps you decrease your “front output”.
It requires easing into the night with your interactions and approaches—talking to women, and people in general, as you currently feel (regardless of how hot a particular girl is, etc.). Indeed, instead of outputting all of your energy into each set, you simply go in with as much energy as currently feels natural to output. This allows your vibe—whether it be positive, negative, fun or dull—to come out naturally. In this way, your insecurities and flaws come out along with your strengths. Sure, ideally you would be giving out pure positivity and fun, but such a positive vibe only tends to occur when you hit a flow state (which often comes along later in the night when you are employing this strategy).
Moreover, by not forcing anything, and despite displaying your insecurities alongside your strengths, women (and people in general) are more likely to accept your insecure tendencies, and at times find them to be appealingly distinguishing. This is because they flow out of you—they are merely part of you who you are. Indeed, people accept you more because you are showing yourself—flaws and all.
This acceptance, however, does not mean that women will want to have sex with you. Indeed, getting sex through pickup generally requires charisma, demonstrating congruent sexual intent, confidence, persistence and closing ability. This does mean, though, that you will be more natural—and by being more natural—you will get more numbers and more dates, because women will know they can trust you, and see that you feel comfortable being how you feel. As mentioned, being and acting how you feel is a high status behavior. In other words, when one carries an assumption that he’ll receive acceptance and respect from others (regardless of how energetic, charismatic he feels, etc.), he is demonstrating high status behavior. High status behavior is an indicator of carrying social clout. Once again, since we are social creatures, having social clout is inherently attractive to a woman.
[Note: This strategy for decreasing front output, in which you put out as much energy as feels natural into each set, then eventually gain momentum and energy as you go, should not serve as an excuse to go into sets weak; nor should it serve as an excuse not to close the deal (either getting the instant date, the number, the arranged date, changing locations or taking the girl home). Indeed, you have to be willing to push your comfort zone and go for the close. Furthermore, if you can be naturally congruent without going through this incremental process—then that is fine too. You can experiment and see what works best for you.]
The Deep Well
Despite this strategy to decrease front output, you will still inevitably put up fronts. This is because emotional insecurities run deep, and there is a vast, large well of them within many of us. Indeed, even in this strategy, in which insecurities are flowing out of you more naturally, you are still likely to hit a point in the night in which you encounter an unfamiliar insecurity that you viscerally want to avoid experiencing or showcasing, and therefore reflexively close up your social and emotional openness to others.
Indeed, when you avoid your feelings, and more specifically avoid demonstrating your feelings to others (closing up), it causes you to act incongruently and therefore put up a front. To be sure, you are behaving incongruently because you are trying to get others to open up to you, even though you are closing up to them—in order to continue to get a women or a person to open to you when you are closing up, moreover, you begin pretending to be more open than you actually are.
In other words, you have the goal of connecting with and seducing the girl, but your insecurities are preventing you from doing so (as you are reflexively closing up towards her). Because the girl needs you to open up in order for her to open up, you begin pretending you are opening up to her (putting up a front). Despite using the strategy to decrease front output, you have tapped into an unknown insecurity that you were unfamiliar with, and therefore closed up in fear of experiencing and showcasing it to others.
Indeed, an interactive dissonance has occurred in which you want people to feel comfortable around you, and open up to you, but you don’t want open up to them because you’re feeling insecure in that moment. This course of events, however, prevents you from having a successful, intimate interaction that extends beyond a fundamental exchange. This is because those who you are engaging eventually realize that you are not truly opening yourself up to them, and therefore do not trust the authenticity of the interaction enough to open up to you.
Therefore, interactive dissonance is not doable if you want to consistently meet, attract, date and have sex with women. They need to feel you are opened up, showcasing who you are and how you feel. In other words, you cannot fake your interactions with the vast majority of women you meet (or people in general). You must learn to convey your intentions, emotional state, and overall expressiveness from a natural place.
Without a doubt, putting up fronts and dealing with emotional insecurities is in many ways an ongoing process, and closing up is a derivative of a front. While you become more confident, and emotionally, socially and sexually aware as you go, you nevertheless continue to experience new, deeper insecurities and counterproductive behaviors. When each insecurity and counterproductive behavior is understood and corrected, though, it makes you even more confident and aware—allowing for greater experiences with women, others, and also yourself. To be sure, the more confident, aware, emotionally healed and strengthened you become, the more you enjoy who you are and the more you love yourself. Indeed, the cycle of emotional exposure is a continuous, though rewarding process that allows for ever-increasing personal growth.
To be sure, in a beautiful way, pickup (and derivative aspects of it such as relationships and sex) is an endless cycle of emotional exposure, in which you must tend to and correct your negative emotions and counterproductive behaviors by properly addressing them. The amazing result of such a cycle leads to ever-increasing emotional growth, better relationships, an improving social and sex life, and therefore greater emotional fulfillment (that is, if you do pickup with the principles recommended throughout this article).
Indeed, in the game, as you accelerate your social experiences and constantly test your social boundaries—thereby encountering new emotional insecurities, and putting up new fronts, and having these new fronts wither and break—you are correcting your newly discovered impractical social patterns, and learning how to handle your newly discovered insecurities at a rapid rate. The game (assuming one puts in consistent effort over time to improving in it) is indeed an endless process of destroy and rebuild—and that’s its beauty.
Beyond the process’ rewards of greater social and sexual success, and greater social and emotional understanding of oneself and others—one also gains an incredible freedom to act on his intentions. This freedom to act, leads to having greater social and sexual options, new shifts in consciousness and outlook, and furthermore an increase in happiness. Moreover, this rise in freedom, confidence, depth and awareness extends into general life practices. Indeed, pushing through and tending to emotional resistance when engaging women, carries over into pushing through and completing other life-oriented goals (such as business goals, academic goals, etc.). Furthermore, if one practices the principles mentioned in this essay, then the rewards of greater freedom, depth, awareness, and confidence give rise to amazing insights on life and persons, and additionally an increased gratitude and appreciation for life, friends and family, the world you live in, and the general people you encounter every day.