How to Understand & Act on Your Emotions for Better Social Creativity
How do you know when to approach?
When you want to.
Act on your initial desire inside to do it.
If you act on that gut instinct, and trust yourself - you will figure out how to handle the interaction - whether you thrive in it or not.
It doesn’t mean you’ll get her number, a date, or bring her home - or that she’ll even be interested (though any of these things can of course occur) - but most guys choose not to approach because they actually fear something much more drastic happening than the girl merely being disinterested, or the guy just feeling embarrassed himself - guys generally fear, even if they’re not aware of it, some form of social repercussion, particularly from other men, be it directly or indirectly) - and here’s the thing - provided your intentions are benevolent, this fear of social repercussion from men, or really anyone, is generally a false fear.
Counter-logically - if you go in for the approach (regardless if it’s a girl by herself, a group of girls or a mixed group [that is, guys and girls]) - and, if you go in without thinking, and instead go in on your body’s desire or instinct to go in (assuming this desire engenders from something like hope and benevolence, rather than something like desperation or anger) - then people will in turn respond to this benevolent, instinctual action of yours, with a reciprocal, instinctual benevolent openness, and temporary surrender, to your well-intended boldness.
In other words, if you go in on your instinct, and mean well - people will open up, listen to you, and be receptive to your intentions.
If, though, after the approach and during the conversation, you start to fall into your head and begin thinking a lot, and stop maintaining or building on overall instinctual social behaviors (meaning you instead start thinking of what to say rather than continuing to simply be and act in the conversation you started) - the girl or the group that was receptive to your social initiative, will begin to resist you more, once you fall into your head and demonstrate behaviors of uncertainty and hesitation.
People respond well to others who have certainty in themselves and the situation they’re in, and avoid people who have uncertainty in themselves and the situation they’re in.
Resistance from a group, due to your falling into your head, and out of “instinctual socializing” (or socializing without thinking), usually starts as a small resistance (like, for example, someone in the group giving you grounded, steady eye contact; or maybe someone throwing playful, verbal jabs at you). After that, it only escalates in tension and push-back as far as you non-instinctually, nervously and unconfidently push the tension yourself by persisting despite your unnatural social behaviors (at that point, people from the group, or the girl, might communicate for you to leave in some form or another, be it explicit or implicit [implicit like, “we need to go” or “I need to go.” - also, someone in the pack, or the girl if she’s by herself, can detach from the interaction you created by physically moving away from you - making it more difficult for you to continue the interaction, obviously]).
If there is a really confrontational man in the group, then, potentially, something more intense and threatening can arise - though provided there isn’t someone with intense social problems in the group, true confrontation does not arise until much, much later - and usually only catalyzes from the approacher strongly persisting, in an uncalibrated, non-instinctual nervous, unconfident and unnatural way, despite escalated resistance from someone amongst the approached.
However, if you do stay benevolently instinctual, grounded, and calm once you “open” the girl or the group - the group is likely to continue to entertain your initiative, and go with any escalations you make with the girl (be it escalated emotion, connection, sexual escalation, or what have you).
Moreover, if you do fall into your head after you open, and start thinking of how to act, rather than just acting (in other words, you stop being instinctual and start behaving in a more calculating fashion), or you start losing your calm, and start becoming more nervous in nature - you can rebound from this.
If you lose your cool, and fall off in being your natural self, and the girl or the group begins resisting you more - you can win them over by rebounding from your slide, and attempt to better convey your personality and start to more naturally provide fun - and grounded, sexual energy - winning the girl or the group over and showing them you are confident and trustworthy (maybe not as a friend, but as a cool guy). As a “cool guy”, people are more open to you as a person and what you seek.
[As a side Note: A “cool guy” is someone who feels comfortable in the energy of others, he freely expresses himself, he has an honest, congruent energy, and he’s grounded and shows his intentions in a calibrated manner.]
So what I’m describing by a guy rebounding from his his missteps and more naturally conveying his personality and energy, and therefore more naturally providing fun to others - is essentially what I call benevolent persistence, in which one persists in the interaction from a natural, fun-natured, sexually and emotionally grounded, well-intentioned place - I’ll go into more detail on benevolent persistence at a later date.
Now turning back to earlier in the pod - it’s important to note that this feeling or desire to go in for the approach - this initial feeling that I’m talking about, in which I say if you act on that initial desire, you’ll be all good and will figure out how to handle it from there…
This feeling or initial desire can be difficult to notice or be sensitive to, if you’ve developed a pattern of ignoring or suppressing your desires and ambitions in going for girls, or just going for things in life in general.
Indeed, feeling your body’s desires and instincts - or in other words, your gut instinct - requires sensitivity to your environment, and yourself. If you go through life ignoring your emotions or not considering being ambitious (aka not going for what you want in life), you will not be as sensitive to your gut instinct, which is communicating to you what to do in life scenarios - and you will therefore not feel when to take certain actions in life - including going for a girl.
So how do you get more in touch with your gut instinct?
One - by holding yourself to higher standards.
If you hold yourself to higher standards, then you will be pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone more and therefore be more alert and in tune to what’s going on on the inside, and what’s going on around you.
When you’re going for things in life that make you uncomfortable, a lot of emotions begin to arise.
Stress, anxiety, uncertainty, pessimism - hope, optimism, determination, commitment -
Being in touch with your gut instinct requires you to be in touch with your emotions - and so because going for things in life causes emotions to arise - it triggers you to be in greater in touch with them - ultimately allowing you greater ability to feel your gut instinct and act on it.
Some might ask “What if you wanna go for things in life - but don’t feel any kind of desire to do it?”
This is when you just do it. You make yourself do it even though you don’t want to.
You find areas to improve and you act on them by compelling yourself.
Part of our gut instinct is deeply instinctual and emanates from our genes - but other parts emanate from our reference experiences.
In order to improve your gut instinct and inner-knowing of when to act, you must act when you don’t feel like acting or are not sure if you should - this allows you to gain experiences that you can learn from.
This will give you a better sense and feeling of how and when to act.
This is because it will bring you in even greater touch with your own emotions.
Say you see a girl that’s pretty, but your body and mind - or whatever intelligence you want to equate it to - doesn’t want to go in - you’ve sort of convinced yourself that you shouldn't go in for whatever reason.
Maybe you’re erroneously telling yourself she’s not pretty enough, or that she’s simply walking in a different direction than you; or she’s with someone and you don’t want to bother them - any number of lies you tell yourself that help you rationalize not to take action.
But then, you make yourself go in. And, despite not feeling good about it prior to the approach - all the sudden, once you’ve done the approach, you start experiencing new emotions that you’re not used to or are less familiar with.
Now, you feel confidence, a sense of growth. You’re proud of yourself and you feel like you shared a nugget of experience with another person. You also probably feel more sexually charged and feel greater desire and confidence to meet other women (relative to what you felt before).
All the sudden, from taking the ambitious action, that no part of you wanted to do, but you did anyway - led you to feel a range of positive and productive emotions that you’re not accustomed to.
Something you can continue to familiarize yourself with and get used to - building on it and continuing to force yourself to take action towards positive, productive growth - be it financial, social, emotional, sexual, spiritual.
So what did it mean, that your body, or you, didn’t think it was a good idea to go in - and then you went in, and it turned out to be a great idea, in which you felt so much better, hopeful and ambitious once you did it?
Was that not your gut instinct, telling you not to approach?
How do you know what your gut instinct is if you were wrong in that moment?
This is a key point to to highlight - which is knowing the difference between your GUT and your FEARS.
Your gut is often pointing you towards actions that arouse fear you in, but implicate or orient you towards chances for growth as a person, a chance for greater success in life - things that feel risky, but are positive or ambitious in intent.
We’ll call this positive risk
Your fears are often feelings that steer you away from positive risk - in favor of feeling more safe and secure. Put another way, a feeling or desire to feel comfy and stay away from this risk that can lead to growth.
This comfiness moreover, can also be masked - you might not notice that you just want to feel comfy - and instead misinterpret it as “a smart decision”. Your mind will rationalize yourself out of decisions regarding comfort versus positive risk.
To feel comfy, you protect the feeling you have, in which you feel relatively good about where you are - so this comfiness will cause you to swindle yourself into thinking being uncomfortable isn't worth it.
Moreover, this “smart decision rationale” is simply a cognitive, emotional and behavioral process that’s unconsciously executed to protect your ego and way of living - because positive risk can overthrow your sense of comfort, reorganize or disrupt your sense of identity and therefore disrupt your ego - which clings to and protects feelings that promote the worth of personal identity - it causes you toignore signs of personal weakness that should in fact be challenged.
In other words, “why go for something I want and feel embarrassed, when I don’t feel embarrassed now?”
So to conclude -
You know when to approach when you feel that initial desire inside to do it.
You act on it.
Provided your action is benevolent and hopeful, rather than angry or desperate, the person or people you approach will in turn be open to your action.
If you fall into your head after your approach - the person or people you approached can begin to grow displeased with your presence.
If you stay within instinctual conversation - the person or people you approach will continue to be receptive to you and allow you to escalate with the girl (be it bringing her home, an instant date or a number). And the degree of escalation that is allowed by the girl or group is directly related to your level of comfort and naturalness (aka calm, instinctual behavior) as the escalation continues to rise in typified social, emotional and sexual tension.
If you do fall into your head once the conversation ensues, and start to act unnatural, uncomfortable and unconfident - you can rebound from this by reopening yourself to their energy and attempting to better convey your natural personality and attempt to naturally provide more fun.
During this time, you can find your center, which allows become grounded again - all of this allows you to better convey your sexuality through conversation, action and energy. Your natural congruence that you’ve regained, in which you demonstrate this natural energy to them, will allow the girl or her and her friends to trust you, and find you to be “cool” (since you are demonstrating comfort in being yourself).
This rebounding manifests as, what I call, benevolent persistence.
If you don’t know when to act, it likely means you’ve lost touch with your gut instinct because you’ve buried your ambitions.
Finally, you can regain a sense of your gut instinct by taking action even when you don’t feel like it.