Understanding Emotional Communication When Talking To Girls
Client’s Email Question:
Can you talk more about emotional communication? How do you generally get to the feeling under what girls are saying?
A big part of being able to emotionally communicate with women, is being able to open up emotionally within yourself.
My sharp sense with you is that you are very closed off emotionally, and therefore your body is very tense.
A tense body is an emotionally closed off body.
You'll notice that the looser you are physically, the more free you feel to express yourself - be it emotionally or sexually - and therefore, the more open you are to others - be it socially, emotionally or sexually.
A good example of this is how the deep breathing exercises loosened your body, and then you immediately felt the desire and ability inside to approach girls.
There was an instantaneous feeling you had that you could better connect with girls, more than you did prior to you doing deep breathing and loosening your body.
A loose, relaxed body = more emotionally and sexually open.
More emotionally sexually open = more individually expressive to girls and others - and importantly, more sensitive to what others are feeling emotionally and sexually.
Remember, in general girls are a mirror unto you (they feel what you feel) - in your deepest sense you know this - which is why when you started feeling better after the breathing exercises I showed you, you then felt you could connect more with them.
The only way that makes sense is if your emotional composition somehow impacts theirs when you interact with them.
The other aspect is seeing patterns in female behavior.
When they move their eyes like this, they feel this way. When move their body like this, it usually means that feel that way.
You do a lot of approaches, go on a lot of dates, close for sex and connection - and over time, you start to recognize these patterns in girls.
In the same way girls can see when a guy is attracted to them, is or isn't confident in himself, partly from being emotionally and instinctually in tune, and partly from getting stepped to a lot by guys and having reference experiences that allow them to see patterns in male behavior, you can do the same by engineering emotional openness and gaining experience from stepping to girls.
Another way to put this is -- if you are consistently physically healthy and socially proactive, you will get better a feeling for what girls want, and what you want, and you will be able to better facilitate this wanting for a lively experience for you and the girl.
Currently, you are thinking a lot, and not feeling. The problem is, girls communicate on the emotional and sexual levels, more than the cerebral level, as a general rule.
Your thinking is also founded on a false map.
A personal development expert and businessman that I admire, Stephen Covey, describes the "life maps" we have, as being very important.
As an analogy, he says, if you have a map of Detroit, and you're in Chicago, it doesn't matter how dope your map is - you're not going to get around very well.
He analogizes this to your life-paradigms and your ability to function and thrive in life.
In the case of women - in my view, you have a paradigm (map), which tells you that, in certain ways, immorality is in parallel with male sexuality - and so you suppress your male sexuality, question it, and inevitably fumble and tumble when stepping to a girl.
Another way to put it is you're dealing with a lot of "male guilt" - this is similar to when white people act too polite around black people because of "white guilt" - they're just constantly apologetic for being multi-dimensional people - always being "nice".
[My client is black, he understood this idea]
You have a strong, apologetic vibe when approaching girls and trying to communicate with them - you can see the hesitation cross your mind when you do something effective with women, that is nevertheless, within your paradigm (map), "wrong".
Like when you're assertive to a girl and she's receptive - it only lasts so long because there is a map in your mind that says being assertive to a girl is a wrong turn - even though you know the evidence shows that girls like assertiveness in men. You have seen flashes of this within your interactions, but also with guys like your brother, Drake, or whoever it might be.
Like we talked about regarding the nuance of the spank - there is no moral declaration, one way or another about it - unless in your mind your map says there is.
By spanking a girl, you are actually serving to harmonize with them in a benevolent manner (since most girls liked to be spanked during sex because it causes arousal). However if you think spanking the girl is wrong, then you will inevitably hesitate to do it, and withhold that ability to harmonize - adversely affecting you and her in the situation you attempted to create for the two of you.
In sum - you need to, first and foremost - collect reference experiences by continuing to approach and engage girls with the hopes of getting instant dates, instant bring-her-homes, regular dates, and closes. You need to learn how to harmonize with women by being a man.
You also need to continue to work on your body, so you are more in tune with your emotions and those of others.
Exercising, eating healthy, breathing exercises, yoga, meditation - all help tremendously.
Finally, you need to continue to question where you get your life maps from and whether or not they are functional and work.
Why do you believe, what you believe?
What do you believe deep down that is influencing your actions - do you even know?
For example - I know you don't like the way this sounds, but it is relevant - if you are a staunch "male feminist", where you adhere to an ideology that intellectualizes (absent of feeling or sexual know-how) how male-female interactions should be, you will have hard time accepting and acting upon decisions that are founded on how things actually are, which, because they are based in reality and not pure theory, help you earn girls and harmonize with them.
If your map says, it's wrong to confidently stare a woman, who you don't know, in her eyes when on the street, at the library, waiting for the subway - you won't do it, or you won't do it well, because you will hesitate and question it, even if it's unconscious and the hesitation is instantaneous rather than deliberate.
You won't do it, even if it will help you increase sexual tension and trigger her intrigue.
In other words, you would be acting in favor of how your map says it should be, rather than acting in favor of what is (since well-calibrated staring triggers arousal and intrigue between both parties).
There is not actually a moral declaration to be made about confidently staring at a girl to increase sexual tension - it just is. But if you make a moral declaration and internalize it, it will impact your decision-making.
1. Reference Experiences
2. Body work
3. Align your map with male-female reality (recognize that you have male guilt and attempt to orient yourself towards trying to harmonize with the nuance of true male-female connection, where you seek to effectively provide a fun, lively and intriguing social, emotional and sexual experience for you and the girl. A situation where she wins and you win due to the experience you created, with all of its nuance (assertiveness, fun, flirtatious teasing, “the spank” - they're all nuanced, yet also enjoyable for her, provided you "know what you're doing", as they say).